My Shadow

My Shadow

I fondle the staircase to the outside.
It is a cool, crisp night tonight.
The ‘clink’ of the gate is all that I hear
as I ballet dance the footpath.


Lucy sits outside, a stranger. A Samaritan.
Ushered inside to Angels, monotone words speak of ‘it’.
Then comes my chariot, driven by dark blue horses.


Amongst beauty and blackness stood the place.
It used to be the village old police house.
Now it is a trawler’s net, silently reeling in man’s victims.
My feet soak up shadows.


Voices bombard my ears, as I take note of
the dusty pink sofa, the dusty pink curtains
and the pile of children’s toys in the corner.


My body numb against intricate procedures,
I bathe.
…Not clean enough, I embrace my shell in
a white, downy robe, and tea is my comforter.


Gliding silently through empty streets,
my head is a screaming siren of tangled thoughts.
The foggy orange glow of the street lights,
are the only sharers in my loneliness.


A shield between reality and deadness,
I sink into depths of sleepless slumber.
Where did life end? Where does it begin?
This shadow follows me.

Journal entry 17/04/05

Today is the third anniversary of the trial. It lasted three days. I am feeling pretty wound up about the whole thing. How I was treated, I was the one on trial. I was not prepared like he was. Anyway, I am mad that it is only three years since then but he is out already.

Laura

Journal entry 15/04/05

I slept last night so well, but thats probably cos Ive had such a busy week with training for my new job. My trial anniversary is approaching, my physical attack anniversary is approaching. My boyfriend has just been asked by an agency to apply for a job where 'it' happened. Its ok, and its a beautiful place to work compared to other cities, but it still freaks me out. I know he doesnt want to stay here for ever - we have had the house up for sale 4 times in two years. He will want to move to whereever he works. If he worked in 'that' place, it wouldnt be in the city, it would beway out which isnt so bad, but still, it impacts my options...where I would work etc. I dunno, its just a fear I have. Anywhere but there. I'm suffering PTSD right now and I would not cope living back there.

laura

Journal entry 11/04/05 (TW)

I am tired after training for my new job. My boyf is away tonight at a business meeting in London. So I am reflecting on my PTSD. Yesterday I lost it and felt an urge to scream...so I did...and I screamed b******d! My sleep includes lots of nightmares and memories are so vivid right now. I feel so angry all the time. It is April, the time of the trial and physical assault/battery. It is normal, I read. But I still strive for life otherwise he has won. R*** is not about s**, it is about power. People say things that just trigger me and I fight back the tears yet, strangely I do not have any. All I feel right now is anger and numbness. I have a new job with excellent training, I start Uni in september, I have a beautiful son and cute boyf and I keep living, it is all I can do.

Laura

Journal entry 07/04/05

Another night sleeping on the sofa cos I toss and turn so much I keep my boyfriend awake which isn't fair. More wiard dreams again last night. Drinking again and eating junk food again...yet I feel so guilty for doing so, I have a family to look after and not to mention I need to lose weight. I need to talk about all of this. Every October and April is the same, I seem fine inbetween. I've been referred to a counsellor in 2-3 months, but even then I dont know if I could commit, I mean childcare is expensive on top of my normal working days and she will probably only be allowed to see me for a few weeks, I mean, whats the point in that? I need to get this out my system, it may take months and even a couple of years, I'm sick of the NHS, they don't know how to care for me.

laura

The language of Courage and Hope

Although the world is full of suffering, it is also full of overcoming it.

You must do the thing you think you cannot do. E. Roosevelt.

People are like tea-bags, you find out how strong they are when you put them in hot water.

God does not take away our trials, nor carry us over them, but strengthens us through them.

What counts is not necessarily the size of the dog - it's the size of the fight in the dog.

Life only demands from you the strength you possess.